It seems like time is going by so fast. I blinked and Lily is a toddler. She's running all around the house, laughing playing and saying things and it absolutely blows my mind. I'm so overwhelmed with pride and yet so terrified! I can't believe how fast it goes. I cant believe how much more I love her every single day. In all honesty I don't think you ever truly understand until you have a child. I kind of thought I knew, and kind of had an idea of how much I'd love her, but I know now that I didn't have a clue. She is so absolutely amazing!!
When I found out I was pregnant I was 19 and terrified. I had gone to the tanning bed that day and for one reason or another had this strange thought. "What if I'm pregnant right now and I'm frying my baby?" There was no way I could be pregnant (I thought) but still the feeling was strong enough that I turned off the bed and got out. I went to my best friend Sashas house that evening. We were supposed to be having a wine night and I told her what happened. I was laughing at how dumb I was, but she said "We need to get you a pregnancy test." I laughed it off and said "There's no way I'm pregnant. I would kill myself" and she said "Well you're having these weird feelings and you're a couple days late, lets just get one to be sure." As we were driving to the shopette on base to pick up a test I again said "There is absolutely no way I'm pregnant, but lets just get this over with so I can stop thinking about it." She then said to me: "You realize that if you are pregnant you're always going to remember this moment.. riding to the store with me and saying theres no way you could be, right?" Again, I laughed it off. Fastforward 20 minutes: I'm in her bathroom with her. The SECOND I did the test it turned positive. I was in SHAMBLES. We went to buy 3 more tests, all of which I took, and all of which were positive. I still couldnt accept it. I dont think I fully believed it until the next day when I went to the doctor and got a blood test and they called me that afternoon to tell me it was positive. I was SO scared. I was married , we had a nice home, a decent car, Josh had a good job, we had great health insurance, but I was TERRIFIED, not that we wouldn't be able to do it. I knew we could do it. I never worried the baby wouldn't have everything he or she needed, I just worried my life was over. Am I ever going to finish college? Am I ever going to be able to go out and party again? Is this it? Am I just going to be some sad young mother with no life and no prospects cleaning dirty diapers and going to the grocery store with fruitloops in her hair?
I feel like probably every one has that feeling. At least anyone who has babies at my age. The fact is, I am 21 years old and I have a 1 year old daughter. The fact is, I do clean up dirty diapers all day, and I wouldn't be surprised at ALL if someone saw me in the grocery store with a fruit loop in my hair. I am starting back school this coming fall, but don't plan on working for now. I guess someone who didn't know me very well could look at me as a sad young mother with no life and no prospects, but I dont feel that way at all. I am deliriously happy every day that I get to get out of bed and feed my daughter breakfast, and play with her, and watch movies with her, and go on walks with her. I can't wait to get to teach her new things, and watch her learn. And I can honestly say a year after her birth that I would not trade ten college degrees and a successful 'career' for Lily Claire. She IS my life. She IS what I was missing. She is my whole world and my whole reason for living. I look back on all of our logical reasons for not wanting kids so early and think: "If I had waited 4 years (or however long) I wouldn't have Lily. I'd have another baby, but she wouldn't be Lily." I hear moms talk about missing their babies first steps because they happened when they were at work and their children were in daycare and my heart breaks for them. I am so blessed. We are SO blessed. It would CRUSH me if I had to miss all this to work. I am SO happy I get to stay home with her right now. I am SO happy I GET to change her diapers, and teach her to clap when I sing "if you're happy and you know it." I have the rest of my life to do whatever I want with it. It's all still in front of me, but she's not going to be this little for much longer and I wouldn't trade this time with her for anything. Planned or not, perfect or not, 'right timing' or not: I wouldn't change a single thing. This little girl has me SO in love.
